In Game... Out of Game...

(Authors note: I do not see myself as two people. Naughty Cargo and Jessi are just ways of illustrating in-game me and out-of-game me. I'm crazy, sure, but not that much. Yet :P)

I was having a discussion with brandobas tonight (<3 brando), and he said something that really made me think- as lots of things do, relating to this game.

We were talking about all the events that have transpired basically since I sent my app in to 7-2, up to now, particularly the recent circumstances with my new alliance and the (somewhat) unfortunate events that have transpired from them. We kept talking, about the alliance as a whole, that is, Shadow Cartel and who they are; who they are viewed to be.

What made me think specifically was when I said 'they're not all bad (as people), most of them are good, if not occasionally annoying' (:P love you guys hehe), and Brando came back with something about how, no matter who they are out of game, makes absolutely no difference in game. You're not going to NOT shoot someone in an opposing fleet JUST because they're a nice person in real life.

In EVE, all that's relevant... is whatever happens in EVE. 

It seems such a simple concept, and one that makes sense if you look at it and take it as face value. However, add the social element, the part I really love of this game, and suddenly, there's lots of grey areas. We all sit on comms as our CHARACTER names, we interact on forums with API's tied into the game- no custom avatars or up-loadable pictures, we use our character portraits instead. Corp TICKERS and signs and logos are everywhere.

I sit in comms, yes with the name 'Naughty Cargo', but I am me- I am Jess. I am sitting on comms as the 21 year old from Australia, not the dastardly, ruthless space pirate. But I am 'Naughty' and am referred to as such- NC, Cargo... whatever anyone uses, they are addressing me as the in-game pirate. My TICKER is right there next to my name [AU-NZ], a clear indicator of Naughty's stance on things. And, and probably the most important point, not everyone sees this game like I do. Some people don't care for the out of game people. Some, not even the ones in their own corp. Others, ONLY the people they have in their corp matter and no one else.

I am a nice person. I am a good person. I often get told that I'm not, and sometimes, I find it hard to remember I am actually a positive on life, not a negative. I don't go out into the street and shoot people in the face. I don't steal people's cars and crash them into a wall. I don't bump people out of the way on the street. Naughty Cargo, that bad space pirate, goes into space and shoots people in the face. She steals people's ships, and then destroys them in some sort of glorious battle. Naughty Cargo bumps people off gates and shoot them just for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Naughty Cargo is part of a big, bad, blobby alliance, and therefore... must be like such an entity, as much to be a part of.

Sitting in comms as Jessi, sitting in forums and chats as Jessi... only does so much good when Naughty's alliance is causing trouble with the people that Jessi is sitting with. To the point that 'I MUST have had a part in it, because its far too convenient to be a coincidence'. And you know what, I don't help myself about it either. What do you say when something happens you had absolutely no control over and suddenly, everyone is looking at you, interrogating you as to why you just did 'that', whatever that is? What do you say?

Listening to a 7-2 fleet get blobbed while I was sitting on their comms, 10 minutes after I logged in... I froze. I hadn't bothered to log into SC comms, because they were flying something I couldn't. I decided to ignore it, being in a good mood, and hopped on 7-2 comms instead, as I was wont to do when feeling chatty. 10 minutes in, and my brain froze. What do you do when suddenly, the thing you have been teased about, the thing that was joked about- being a 'spai'- becomes a crazy possibility in reality? I didn't help myself freaking out. Do I stay, do I go? Do I laugh, do I cry, do I rage? Do I just go with it and act like nothing happened? I choked, mumbled a bit, and left.

I didn't think about it again, until I got a few comments thrown at me the next day in a chat I had always sat in. And they were no longer joking. No longer laughing, or being silly. It escalated, got rather nasty, before we moved on, me trying to ignore the sudden rift in the line I had been walking- the line I didn't even realise I was walking on until I crossed it. The line between EVE the game, and Jessi's real life- my 'friendships' with other real people, not the characters they play in game.

The two aspects of me don't work together anymore. In game and out of game don't align. Yes I can post random stuff on the forums, share internet goodness, talk on posts and in chats... but I can't just 'hang out' on comms like I used to. I can't ask random questions like 'Oh, where are you guys at?', stuff I asked before PURELY because I was curious and wanted to know if I could catch up. I can't ask 'Oh, what are you flying?' I can't just sit in while a fleet is going on and listen. We saw where THAT got me... lol.

And you know what? I don't think I can ever go back. Now that line has been crossed, I can't ever rebuild whatever random line I had going in the first place.

I am under no illusions. I am not getting into 7-2. Ever.

I am not like most of the people in the corp, if any. I am not 'close' so to speak with many of the members, and you know what? I know I annoy people. I acknowledge bouncy, young, loud, happy, irrelevant Jessi is not everyone's cup of tea. Particular those who make the decisions. And its not because they are bad people, nor me. It just means we wouldn't ever hang out- would never be compatible in this game. We play completely different types of games.

And THAT is what matters- not the people, not the personalities (though they are important), but the type of game that is played. The game within the game. The game of alliances and corps and blues and fleets and fights. The fights we all enjoy and crave and love and thrive on.

I now have an alliance name of which I am part, that labels me as a certain way. And you know what, I like them. Most, if not all, are people I get along with. Yes, I'm still not everyone's cup of tea, and never will be. But overall, its very nice. Chilling just sitting in comms or chatting in chat channels... talking on the forums. For now, Shadow Cartel is Naughty Cargo's home, Naughty Cargo's family.

Jessi's family, are those people who I care for, in and out of game, those that I see as friends, who I feel I know maybe better than others, or vice versa. I will ALWAYS care for my Molden Heath family- for the people behind the characters. Like any family, we have our disputes, we have arguments and fights, we have people that don't ever get along or don't like other people. People we don't know as well as others cause they're always away, etc. But think back to my Christmas video- my present to those who I care about. THAT was Jessi, that was not Naughty Cargo.

I am not a bad person. I am not a liar. I am not a 'spai'. No matter what people think or say, me, Jess, as a person, am not a blobby spai. I know that, and in the end, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks- or says. I am who I am, I know who I am, and I know what I do.

In EVE, all that's relevant... is whatever happens IN EVE. 

I'm going to adopt this rule. It's going to be in my bio, right at the top.

I am Naughty Cargo AND I am Jessica Joy Owen. I am a member of Shadow Cartel, and I am a member of the Molden Heath community. I am an ex black jacket, and I am a space pirate.

And much love to all the people behind these EVE characters, all those corps and alliances and organisations- R1DER, ThC, 7-2, Shadow Cartel, etc. No matter what happens in EVE, I have myself, and I have you guys, and that is awesome. Mostly :P When you're all not being dicks ;) :P hehe.